Broken and Spilled Out

On Wednesday our 60 day waiting period will be over. A court date will be set. Then, once the judge grants our divorce, a book in my life will come to a close.

Today my life is flooded with memories. Good memories and bad memories. None the less, like any good book, they all make up my story. I remember so clearly our wedding day, the birth of our children, each and every Christmas, family get together's, trips to Maryville to visit family, birthday celebrations, and laughing until we cried.

There were little trips to the Smoky Mountains that I can recall so vividly. We had our inside jokes as we drove the roads of Cades Cove, looking for bear or deer, or anything interesting we could find. To this day, my kids (ages 24 and 21) repeat those jokes when we go through "The Cove" as we call it.

There were those magnificent trips to Colorado. They were dream trips. Cottonwood Pass, the Rocky Mountain National Park, Crested Butte, Winter Park, The American Classic Motel (the nastiest place I've ever stayed! I wanted to sleep in the car that night but Paul said, "No God gave us this room and we will sleep in it!" Then Daniel said "My bed smells like cereal." hahaha) mouse, elk,  ghost towns, snow in July, hiking, staying in a cabin that was a 'mansion' with 4 master suites, 6 bathrooms, and the biggest kitchen and living room I have ever seen, all for $150 a night! The Aspen trees were so gorgeous! The snow covered mountains were overwhelmingly beautiful. There was the condo we stayed in at Crested Butte, where there were baby birds that fell out of their nest and onto our patio. Lindsay and I worried about those birds until the owner of the condo sent us an email when we got home and told us those babies flew away! We were all so happy! And the food...oh my! The delicious food! I could go on and on about Colorado, but that's enough for now.

There were many trips to the beach, all including delicious food, a view of the ocean, dolphins, long evening walks, laughter, relaxation, sunburns, and, of course, a game or two of putt putt.

It's so hard to believe those vacations and weekend trips are over....

I remember the day we moved into this house. It was our 10th anniversary (August 2nd, 1996). We were so overwhelmed that 'little ole us' could ever buy a house like this. Paul had finally graduated nursing school, and we got to "move up". We had lived on such little money for the first 10 years that having a split foyer in a nice neighborhood was as good as it gets as far as we were concerned. Paul had worked so hard, two and three, jobs plus school and finally we could make ends meets. He was such a good provider.

Then there were the Honda's. Honda after Honda! Since I'm a car person, I love my Honda's!

I could go on and on about the good times. Just as every marriage, we had so much fun. We had several dogs that we loved dearly. And some that we didn't love so much, like our Schnauzer, Toby, "bless his heart", as we always say when we think of him. Our hamsters, Kevin and Judy. They kept us amused.

There were several friends that passed through our lives. We had such great times with Jim and Rhea. I still remember Jim's laughter, and Rhea's cooking like it was yesterday. We all took a trip to Atlanta to the Atlanta Fest once. We rented a camper. Jim got us press passes so we meet the "stars". Our lives were surrounded by music. We went to every Christian concert we could! Mylon Lefevre, Stephen Curtis Chapman, Geoff Moore and the Distance, and on and on and on. There were a couple of Christmases that I gave up getting a gift so Paul could get a new guitar. I would be as excited as he was when he would get his new "wife" as he referred to his guitars. haha

Then there was NASCAR. We went to Bristol, and Atlanta to the races several times. That was some of the most fun we ever had! Daniel, Paul and I would hike for what seemed like miles into the tracks. We had a blast! We watched every race, practice, and qualifying that we could. I loved Bobby Labonte, Tony Stewart, and Jeff Gordon. Paul loved Dale Jarrett, then Carl Edwards. Daniel loved Jeff Gordon. We had such a great time keeping up with 'our drivers'!

But, sadly, somewhere along the way, things began to unravel. Work, school, and the business of life got in the way. We lost touch with one another. We lost the love we once had. We lost trust. We lost accountability. And our marriage took the wrong turn. We stopped dating. We stopped going on weekend trips. We stopped talking. I tried to fight for our marriage. I wanted counseling so we could learn to love again. But, after a while, I gave up, and neither of us cared anymore. I wanted to stay together and "endure" who we had become. (sad isn't it?). And Paul wanted to move on and find a new life, which he did. So, for the last 5 months, I have been saying goodbye, chapter by chapter closing this book. I've watched my friends and family grieve, because for them, it's been a death. I can't even begin to know the toll it's taking on my kids. That will be a story for them to tell.

Twenty seven years.  One half of our lives were spent together. And now we don't even speak. I haven't even seen him in 5 months. Today, I am glad about that. Things had become so bad between us over the last few years that neither of us want to see one another. I am ashamed to admit all of this, but this is our story.

Why am I telling you all this? Why does God always call me to be so open??? I wish I knew, because I don't enjoy opening up my life up for all the world to see.

The truth is, though, I don't want others to follow in our path. Men, fight for your women! They are so beautiful, and so worth fighting for. They are the mate God has chosen for you! Fight for your kids. Never ever leave your kids for another family! The pain you leave behind is unbearable at times.

Women, fight for your husbands! Even when it seems unbearable, painful, and impossible, keep fighting. Respect him. Appreciate him. Seek counseling when necessary. Learn how to be the best wife you can be!

Hold one another accountable. Don't keep secrets, unless they are the fun kind of secrets. Allow yourselves to be open books with one another. And never, ever allow another man or woman to enter what God ordained as sacred. Never let work come between you. Money and work mean nothing compared to the treasure of your family. Always make time for each other. For there is no one more important in your life than your spouse. There is no covenant more important than those vows you said to one another on your wedding day. Never break those vows. Follow God together, and never allow a 3rd party to enter what God ordained for you and your wife only. That includes porn, and lust. Take marriage classes, go to marriage conferences, and have friends that hold you accountable. Oh, and laugh! Laugh a lot! Fight with all your might before you ever say goodbye. That's what God intends for us to do. If, after you've done all you can, and you must say goodbye, do it with dignity and respect.

All marriages will not, and should not survive. Adultery, and being married to an unbeliever are two reasons that God understands divorce. If you have made these mistakes, if you have failed in your marriage, gotten a divorce, or if you have gotten away from God, there is forgiveness. He welcomes you back with open arms. Forgive yourself! For once you repent, and make things right, He forgets all about your sin! So let your self condemnation go, and allow God to use your sin for His glory. He makes beauty from ashes!I NEVER want to offend those who have gotten a divorce, or their families. I totally understand how divorce happens, and I totally understand Gods forgiveness.

Today, I am getting ready to close this book. The book of "Paul and Kim Weaver". To be perfectly honest, through my tears and pain, I am excited to see what God has for me in the future. No matter how many things I could have done differently, this book would have ended the same way. It takes two to be married. Not one. And certainly not 3. Only 2, and, of course, most of all, God to bind your hearts together for a life time.

I watch my friends and family celebrate their anniversaries, walk through heart aches together, and do life together totally in love with each other. To be honest, at times it hurts. Many of these friends were our friends when we were young. They have made it!!! They will grow old together!!! They are happy and in love!!! Praise God!!! Stan and Jeanni, Tracie and Pat, Charles and Tammie, Tim and Debbie, and on and on.... Most of all, my family, Greg and Cindy, Chris and Ashley, and my Mom and Dad (Jack and Mary). You are all such beautiful examples of what God intends for marriage to be. For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad times, til death do us part. Thank you all so much for your example! There are so many more that I can not even begin to mention you all! You are all running the race just as Christ intended. And your lives are sweeter as the days go by! What a beautiful heritage you're giving your families.

Yes, I wore my heart on my sleeve once again, but it needed to be said. God called me to say it. It needed to be said for those whose marriages are in trouble, for those who are engaged, for newlyweds, and young families. And it needed to be said for those who are walking in my shoes today and are going though divorce, or for those who are already divorced. I know your pain. And I know we will make it. Together, and with God, we can do all things! He is our love! He is our husbands! And He adores us! He sings over us at night, and fights for us and holds us close during the daylight. He is Marvelous! Together we will start a new book, if that's where He leads!

Much love everyone!
Feel free to message me on FB if you need to talk!

The View

My Father and I were sitting together in the midst of a deep valley. Totally unexpected, my Father turned to me and said, "Daughter, lets climb that mountain together." As I looked up, there stood a mountain unlike any I had ever seen before. Rocky, jagged, and incredibly steep.

"No, Father. I am very comfortable in this valley. It's safe here. It's familiar. Yes, it's a little dark, but I really don't want to leave. I'll just stay here." My heart began to race, as I knew my Father could coax me into anything He wanted me to do. This mountain ahead was just going to be too much, though. And I did not want to climb a mountain of this size and stature.

"Daughter, you have asked me time and time again to take you anywhere I wanted you to go. Today, I want to begin the climb to the peak of this mountain. Together, we can do it. I'll go ahead of you and make a way."

I could not resist my Father. I knew any climb He had for me would be what was best in the long run. He took a step ahead of me and reached back for my hand. "We'll start slow. We'll take baby steps, until you are ready to move faster. I promise I will climb every step with you. I will never leave you."

In a quiet voice, barely audible, I replied, "Ok, Father. What ever you want". He smiled down at me seeming so proud and pleased. And so we took our first steps. It was a little rocky at times, and just slightly up hill. I remember thinking that I didn't know why I ever resisted. I trust this man who is going before me, and He would never lead me to something I could not handle.

Suddenly, in the front of us I noticed the path was getting a little more steep. "Father, can we rest?" I said. "No daughter. We have only begun our climb. Lets keep going."

Winded, and thirsty, I continued the climb reaching for my Father's hand. He gladly held my hand, looking down on me with a gentle smile. I felt very safe and secure. Then out of no where came a boulder in the middle off the path. I knew my Father well enough to know He would climb over the boulder rather than going around. So I readied myself as much as possible to make the climb. He went ahead of me, showing me every single place to put my foot. As we reached the top He said, "Isn't it beautiful?" I turned and looked back at the path we had been on. "Oh my! How beautiful!" I exclaimed.

Soon we found our path again. This time the path was far more steep, and far more narrow. As we walked slowly along the path I asked Him for a rest. My soul needed water, my feet needed rest. He willingly saw that I was tired, and so we found a nice rock, and sat for a while. We drank cool water from a nearby stream, and chatted about the adventure had we had already been on. He smiled gently at me and said, "Child, it's going to get better. Are you ready to go?" I reluctantly replied, "Yes Father. I trust you."

The path became even more narrow as we climbed a little faster this time. There was a drop off on one side, and trees on the other. I began to tremble. My Father took my hand to steady me. We walked side by side for what seemed to be miles. I began to relax, as my trust in His judgement grew stronger. Often times He would place His arm around me to keep me from falling. Often He would walk behind me, having my back in case I slipped.

Day after day, night after night, we climbed. The night time was the hardest. Through the forest, there were nights we could not even see the moon. At times I would drop to my knees and crawl. I could not see Him, but I could here His tender voice. "Child, how I love you. My love will never cease. You are my pride and joy. Together we will see the peak."

I remember one evening the sky began to darken. A storm cloud was blowing in. "Father I am scared! This is getting very dangerous! Can we go back to the safe valley?", I pleaded. "No, my child! You MUST trust me! There is no going back!" As the storm grew closer, I began to cry. "Oh Father, I am terrified! I can't do this any more!" He face look down on me with a gentle smile, and He replied, "Yes you can make it. With me you can do anything.." He reached out and pulled me close, His arms wrapped tightly around me. I had never felt so safe in my entire life. For the next few miles, He carried me.

Along the way, we met a few other travelers. Each one added a different ingredient to our journey. Some would stop and chat for a while. Their encouraging words would tell me everything would be alright. They would say that the climb I was on was worth the view I would soon get to see. Other fellow travelers would heckle us and say "You can't do this! You are not good enough to even be on this path! Your Father doesn't love you. No one loves you. You are unlovable. He is leading you to a cliff that you will fall from, and we can't wait to see it happen!" At times these voices were screaming in my face, causing me so much pain. But my Father would always speaking lovingly to the strangers and say, "My daughter is stronger than you think she is. With Me, she will be perfectly fine." I trusted His voice, even when I could not see His face. And so we traveled on.

Some days the trail was wide and smooth. The beauty all around brought peace and comfort. And some days were dark. On those days, I could barely hear His voice, and I certainly could not see Him. But I continued on. Sometimes we would almost run, racing to the peak. Other times, we slowly took baby steps. Some days, my fear took a hold, and I stepped backwards. On those days, my Father came back and got me, and walked by my side, as I crawled along. He stayed there, moving slowly until I could stand again.

Along the way, we talked about any and everything. We remembered the past, we looked to the future. We laughed and we cried. I fell several times. At times the wounds were deep. My Father would bind my wounds, so lovingly and gently. Then He would sweetly say, "It will take a while for this to heal. You will always have a scar. But the scar will remind you of our journey together, and my tender loving care." Painful much of the time, the wounds did begin to heal. Sometimes they would reopen, but Father would place His healing balm on them, and they would heal stronger than ever before.

After days and days, months and months, I could see the peak of the mountain. I was climbing much faster and harder by now. Seeing the peak, and knowing it was in reach somehow gave me strength I never knew I had. There were more and more days that my Father and I laughed. Fewer tears were shed. Lighthearted and at peace, the journey, though still steep, was getting easier.

Finally after miles and miles of travel, meeting many fellow travelers along the way, many scraps, burns, thorns, and gashes, the peak was only a few feet away! Father ran ahead of me. I could see Him standing there at the peak of the mountain. His face was glowing with pride, as He smiled at me. "Child! Look at you! You have become so strong! You are so beautiful! I am so proud of you for going on this adventure with me. No Father has ever been more proud!" He reached His hands out to me. His hands were scarred, too. I knew then that He had understood every hurt I had gone through. I grabbed His hands, and together we turned and took in the view.

Oh my! The beauty of this magnificent view! I could see the entire path we had been on. I could hear applause from my fellow travelers. And then we all just stood quietly, in awe of the view. Our voices raised in praise, as one. For the view was so worth the journey we had taken together. My Father wrapped His arms around me beaming with pride, and love. "Well done my child. I have never loved you more than I do today!"

I am ready for another journey, after I rest here for a bit. My Father will be there every step of the way, cheering me on, healing my wounds and loving me unconditionally. He's wonderful like that, you know....

An Insiders Story of Divorce

Divorce. A word that we once vowed we would never say to one another about our marriage. But on March 28th the words "I want a divorce" came out of his mouth.

Within 4 days, he was gone. I haven't seen him since. We have had 2 months of excruciating negotiations through email. We have sent each other low blows, and accusations. I have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I've watched my family grieve, each in their own way. I've watched them cry, get angry, laugh to keep from crying, and attempt to move forward.

My Dad speaks Scriptures to me every single day. His memory for God's Word amazes me. God has used him over and over again to help my heart to heal. One step forward. Two steps backwards. Just when things seem better, there's another blow thrown my way, or worst of all, thrown at my kids.

Our faith is growing by leaps and bounds. God shows up in some unusual way most every single day. He constantly lavishes me with His love. I find that as I walk so closely with Him, my senses are more keen for Him and what He is doing around me. Most days, I go to sleep with tears in my eyes, overwhelmed by His love and grace.

But the hole in my heart still exists. The pain is still there. You see, when going through a divorce there are consequences that no one tells you about. You lose the other half of your family that you once loved. You lose friends. Other friends don't know what to say, so they distance themselves and say nothing. You lose your security. You lose your identity. You lose the home you've always known. Finances become an issue. You have to learn to live an entirely new life... a single life. You have to learn to do life alone. You have to change your dreams, your hopes, and the way you thought your future would look.

The end of my story has yet to be told. It seems I am only beginning this journey. He filed yesterday. Going against all I believe is right in marriage, I have reluctantly agreed to sign the papers. Though I know this is not what God intends for any marriage, it is what it has turned out to be. More to come soon....