As we drove home, memories flashed back in my mind over the last 22 years. My girl graduated from Lee University. Hard to believe! Wondering what God has in store. So far, nothing looks like it was planned to look on this day. It was planned that her husband or fiance' would be there with us to celebrate this moment. He is gone. It was planned that she would have a job right now. That hasn't happened. It was planned that life would look very different than it does today... Wondering what God is going to do with this beautiful mess...

I am beginning a week that I have dreaded for years. I have actually prayed that God would somehow take me around it. But, as usual, He wants me to trust Him and go through it. Anxiety is gnawing at my stomach. It has been all day....I just can not be a fake...and that's what I feel is expected of me right now... I am so conflicted. So torn. So full of dread. :(  The last time I was thrown in to such an awkward situation, I had a panic attack and ran out of the room... Oh my!!! Jesus, oh Jesus I need you!

Home from vacation. Its all bittersweet. So goes my life...full of wonderful things, and full of tragedy. Vacation was amazing, a dream trip, really. But in the midst of it, the death of my best friends son, grief over my own loss in life, and so many ups and downs. Trusting God through everything...longing to come onto level ground...

getting back on track.

I am trying hard to get back on schedule and back on track. Returning to Tennessee, I see the emptiness that our Bible belt of the south offers. We are surrounded by 'Christians', but going to church is all there is to our southern version of Christianity, at least to most people.
 Colorado still looms in my mind. Somehow, I feel drawn to those mountains. As I walked the streets of Crested Butte, I had a strong sense of belonging. I felt a relationship with the people of that town, like they were kindred spirits. Maybe, just maybe someday God will call me there. I pray He will.

I am in the gorgeous Rocky Mountains, feeling so unworthy to be here. You see, I found out yesterday that my dearest precious friend, Kim MCArhtur's son passed away unexpectedly. I am feeling so helpless, with so much distance between us, I can't do anything for her. I don't know what I would do anyway. What do you say to someone on the phone when they are saying to you "I can't bury my son. I don't know how to do this!"  But I think I would just sit with her all day every day until she could breath again. My heart is breaking, yet I have to pull it together for my family. We are on our dream vacation right now... I am so conflicted inside....
I have decided, while here in these mountains, that I really don't want to ever see my kids go through a broken heart again. I don't want them to date until its someone that will never leave them. I have been watching from afar their friend be devastated with broken hearts. It brings back the pain of January and February and March. It's all still so fresh. Not sure if any of us can bear it again. And now we are watching  another rebound relationship unfold on FB between the ex and a 'friend'. Life is so hard. Heartbreak is the worst pain. How do you put it behind you when everything around you reminds you of what was, what could have been?

Facebook family

So thankful for my facebook friends. I have some amazing women friends that are prayer warriors . I am incredibly blessed to have them in my life. They are like family. Today they helped breath life back into me. I had a very rough day and they prayed for me and encouraged me. I am so blessed, and loved!

I really need prayer today. So if you stumble upon this blog, please pray for me. I am desperately trying to make sense of a promise God made to me, or at least I believed He promised me something. He confirmed it over and over again. And life was totally moving in that direction. But now its all fallen apart. The bottom line is that God is God, whether I understand Him or not, I will worship Him, and I will trust Him...

And the tears fall... it's a rough night.

Dear Father, (Papa),  I need You tonight. I need Your love. I need to feel Your presence. I love you more than life itself. Thank You for loving me, and pursuing me, and whispering to me that I am beautiful.
Amen