Never Failing Love

Lindsay and I were talking about this past year the other day. As we tried to come up with a 'theme', the only words we could think of were betrayal, loss, and devastation.  Yet He was faithful. Its been a very difficult year. We have been betrayed by those we thought loved us. We have gone through heart break, devastating tornadoes, damage to our home, loss of true love, loss of our churches, loss of trust, been back stabbed, and watched dementia take a new toll on our family. We've lost friends, both by death and by betrayal. I've watched my son struggle deeply with depression and his faith. I've watched my best friend grieve the loss of her son. And here I sit looking at 2012. I honestly have no clue where it will take us, or if all this will ever be settled in our hearts and lives.
Yet some way, some how, I have to believe that God is faithful. He is directing our path. Sooner or later we will come to a season where it all falls into place. Tonight I am holding on...waiting...Yes, I am shaken, but I can't be defeated. I can not let go of the Hope that has driven me all these years. He is all I have to hold on to. He will not fail, even when it looks hopeless...

This is the end... Reliant K

I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end
Not if you want it it's upon us and I wanna say it's sinking

This may sound crazy but I want to come back home
That's it I said it now I'm sailing off to Neverland and then Japan

So think real slow
Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no
About the way you want to go
Cause I may forget the way to get back home
This is the end if you want it
This is the end

You're not the first thing I've loved and lost
Yeah I've thought worse things that I might be less inclined to merely just shrug off
I took the fire escape and made it out alive
Yeah I still burn from from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side

So think real slow
Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no
About the way you want to go
Because I may forget the way to get back home
This is the end if you want it
This if the end if you want it
This is the end

I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end
Not if you want it it's upon us and I wanna say it's sinking in
If I was hasty maybe I was rushed along
I won't move into little boxes and then not get the itch to move on
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/relient-k-this-is-the-end-if-you-want-it-lyrics.html ]
So think real slow
Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no
Melting prints of grass and snow
Means I may forget the way to get back home
Cause this is the end if you want it
This is the end

You're not the fist thing in my life I've loved and lost
Yeah I've thought worse thing that I might be less inclined to merely just shrug off

You'll take me home
Like my family did my father did I know
You'll think real slow
But don't forget the speed that I can go away
Cause this is the end if you want it
Yeah this is the end

I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile
Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be
I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile
Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be

I met the devil and I stared her in the eyes
Her hair had scales like silver serpents
I a statue, stood there mesmerized

I took the fire escape and made it out alive
Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side

Blisters on my feet I crawled back home
Frozen from the sleet burned sand and stone
Nourished back to life by life alone
With one shake of the mane regain the throne

Another day has come to a close...the house is totally quiet. No kids, no Paul. Only me and Gordon and the TV. I am reflecting on the summer, the past few days, and today.
How interesting that God placed Daniel in the right place, at the right time, to witness such a horror as watching 2 people get hit by a car. I am not sure why, but he has been much better to me the last few days. I can tell he still loves me. Believe it or not, I questioned that at some points during the summer.
I was so sick today. So so sick. Praying I'll feel better tomorrow so I can go into work for a couple of hours anyway. Love my job. Love my kids. Love my friends.

its monday...

...And its already hard... I am struggling with letting Daniel go, and with work tomorrow, and with some other unnamed things. Actually, several other things that I can't post publicly. Some times the hardest things and the right things are the same...that seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life these days...

vertigo today?!? yeah... its been rough...I had to miss the teachers meeting at work :( and Daniel and I had a big argument yesterday, that lasted through last night :(

broken hearted...

Very tired today...physically and emotionally drained...not sure what's wrong. Just tired...

brokenhearted today. Had to return my beloved puppy. Gordon hated her and I was afraid for her life. I know it was best for both dogs, but I have cried all day.
On the good side, I got to spend time with my wonderful Sherri! She's an amazing friend. Blessed.

As we drove home, memories flashed back in my mind over the last 22 years. My girl graduated from Lee University. Hard to believe! Wondering what God has in store. So far, nothing looks like it was planned to look on this day. It was planned that her husband or fiance' would be there with us to celebrate this moment. He is gone. It was planned that she would have a job right now. That hasn't happened. It was planned that life would look very different than it does today... Wondering what God is going to do with this beautiful mess...

I am beginning a week that I have dreaded for years. I have actually prayed that God would somehow take me around it. But, as usual, He wants me to trust Him and go through it. Anxiety is gnawing at my stomach. It has been all day....I just can not be a fake...and that's what I feel is expected of me right now... I am so conflicted. So torn. So full of dread. :(  The last time I was thrown in to such an awkward situation, I had a panic attack and ran out of the room... Oh my!!! Jesus, oh Jesus I need you!

Home from vacation. Its all bittersweet. So goes my life...full of wonderful things, and full of tragedy. Vacation was amazing, a dream trip, really. But in the midst of it, the death of my best friends son, grief over my own loss in life, and so many ups and downs. Trusting God through everything...longing to come onto level ground...

getting back on track.

I am trying hard to get back on schedule and back on track. Returning to Tennessee, I see the emptiness that our Bible belt of the south offers. We are surrounded by 'Christians', but going to church is all there is to our southern version of Christianity, at least to most people.
 Colorado still looms in my mind. Somehow, I feel drawn to those mountains. As I walked the streets of Crested Butte, I had a strong sense of belonging. I felt a relationship with the people of that town, like they were kindred spirits. Maybe, just maybe someday God will call me there. I pray He will.

I am in the gorgeous Rocky Mountains, feeling so unworthy to be here. You see, I found out yesterday that my dearest precious friend, Kim MCArhtur's son passed away unexpectedly. I am feeling so helpless, with so much distance between us, I can't do anything for her. I don't know what I would do anyway. What do you say to someone on the phone when they are saying to you "I can't bury my son. I don't know how to do this!"  But I think I would just sit with her all day every day until she could breath again. My heart is breaking, yet I have to pull it together for my family. We are on our dream vacation right now... I am so conflicted inside....
I have decided, while here in these mountains, that I really don't want to ever see my kids go through a broken heart again. I don't want them to date until its someone that will never leave them. I have been watching from afar their friend be devastated with broken hearts. It brings back the pain of January and February and March. It's all still so fresh. Not sure if any of us can bear it again. And now we are watching  another rebound relationship unfold on FB between the ex and a 'friend'. Life is so hard. Heartbreak is the worst pain. How do you put it behind you when everything around you reminds you of what was, what could have been?

Facebook family

So thankful for my facebook friends. I have some amazing women friends that are prayer warriors . I am incredibly blessed to have them in my life. They are like family. Today they helped breath life back into me. I had a very rough day and they prayed for me and encouraged me. I am so blessed, and loved!

I really need prayer today. So if you stumble upon this blog, please pray for me. I am desperately trying to make sense of a promise God made to me, or at least I believed He promised me something. He confirmed it over and over again. And life was totally moving in that direction. But now its all fallen apart. The bottom line is that God is God, whether I understand Him or not, I will worship Him, and I will trust Him...

And the tears fall... it's a rough night.

Dear Father, (Papa),  I need You tonight. I need Your love. I need to feel Your presence. I love you more than life itself. Thank You for loving me, and pursuing me, and whispering to me that I am beautiful.
Amen

"Take Heart" Hillsong United

[Verse 1:]
There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

[Chorus:]
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

[Verse 1:]
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

[Bridge:]
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Hmmm anyone know the answer to this?

I have been thinking about something for a while now. Where are all the godly young men? I have so many amazing, godly, gorgeous single girl friends. They either remain single, or settle for less than what they should have because there a so few single men that actually walk with God. Did our generation fail to pass true faith on to the up and coming generation of men? Or, is it just that women are so much more relationship oriented than men, so women seek a closer relationship with God than most men do? Why are so many women left to be the spiritual leaders in their homes? Maybe that's why there are so few godly men for my godly women friends...
As my amazing godly girl friends wait on God to bring them their future husbands, where exactly will their man come from? There are so few men...

I got this..

I love it when God whispers to my heart "Kim,  Don't worry! I got this..." And that's what He's whispering to me right now... Love you more than you know, Daniel... one thing I know for sure, and you can take it to the bank...God's got this! ;)

ending my week with these thoughts...

Sitting here in my favorite chair on a Saturday evening, the house is quiet, and I am finding myself in a very reflective mood. This past week has left me with a few thoughts, and frankly, a few questions for God.

I am taking life slow and easy these days due to my new life, dealing with Plantar Fisciitis. This is a condition that I had never heard of a few months ago. But it has quickly brought me down, some days I have barely been able to walk. I have my mind on our trip to Colorado next month, so I am finally willing to slow down enough to allow my foot to heal. After a trip to the Dr this past week, I quickly realized that the treatment for my new found companion, PF, is torture... so I am determined to behave myself...and resting is the best therapy. I have slowed down enough to think, but because my thoughts are personal, I don't plan on advertising this blog.

  My mind always asked God what He's up to in situations. The one I experienced on Thursday night is one the still has me stumped. What was the purpose? What was God up to? Let me exlain.
Thurday was a fantastic day! My foot was doing better, and I had ventured out of the house with my dearest friend. We had a wonderful dinner. Delicious food. Great conversation. It seemed that God had orchestrated the day perfectly. On my way home from dinner I had decided to take Lindsay for ice cream. The day had been so lighthearted, and stress free that I was almost giddy.  We sat a Chic Fil A in the parking lot laughing and talking and enjoying our ice cream. During the conversation she randomly said "I expect I'll see 'him' (he will remain nameless but refers to someone she loves deeply) soon. Two of my best friends saw him this past week, so I figure I'm next." We talked about it for a minute and went on about enjoying our ice cream. As we left and began the drive home, I heard her quietly say, "and there 'he' is"... We were both practically looking him right in the eye. He was standing in the parking lot, holding a girl in his arms...one of Lindsays friends from her old church. I think she went into shock, and my heart broke for her. As we drove away and tried to get our mind around the awkward scene, I knew the wound would be reopened. It really had barely healed over. I asked her how she was feeling and she said "Like I was just watching a movie of myself with 'him'. He was doing with 'her' what he and I used to do" The shock wore off and the pain set in. Why was he with the girl that vowed to Lindsay that she'd never date him?
And I was left with the question "why did Lindsay have to see that?" She was doing really good. His name was hardly ever mentioned. The wounds had all scabbed over and had almost healed. So I am not sure the purpose in reopening them.
As I prayed about it that night when I finally got in bed, I felt God was telling me that it wasn't about us, but He had a greater purpose. I quickly surrendered to Him. I have learned over the years that the sooner I allow Him to do His thing, the better. :) My eyes still tear up just thinking about it, but God's mercy is great, and Lindsay has moved forward. She is a godly strong woman! How thankful I am for that!

Other random questions I have tonight won't take such a long explaination. They are just ordinary questions like:
*Why in this day and age do medical treatments have to be so painful?
*Will I ever get to wear my Toms again?
*I have two young men that I love so much. I am praying for each of them every day. Will they ever lay down their own agenda and become men that follow God?
*Why has God raised up so many gorgeous godly young women, but so few godly young men? Where are all the godly men?
*Why do so many people settle for less that God's best, in order to be in a relationship?
*Will I ever get this weight off that I have gained from my injury and age, if I can't exercise?


The answers to my questions really all comes down to trust, don't they? And after following Him for almost 26 years I can honestly say that I trust Him. He is God whether I understand Him or not. Actually I am happy that I don't understand Him sometimes. I sure would hate to think I was serving a God that fit into my understanding... :)
This Scripture reference is tattooed on my lovely daughters shoulder. Its her life verse, as she says. I couldn't be more proud...
Isaiah 26:3-4
You keep him in perfect peace
   whose mind is stayed on you,
   because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
   for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.