She's slipping away. At first it was called Dementia. She was very forgetful during that time, but still able to interact. In the beginning she could even drive. But as time went on, I secretly knew she was getting worse. It was about this time last year the diagnosis changed. Alzheimer's. Stage 6. The word I prayed I would never have to hear from a doctor, because I knew it was a horrendous illness. I knew the pain that comes along with the illness.
I see it more and more with every visit. Today we went out to celebrate Father's Day. I watched her walking from the car to the restaurant. She was holding on to the arm of her dear friend as they approached the door. The closer she got, the more I saw the emptiness in her eyes. I began to tear up, but stopped myself before they got to the door. "Got to keep it together" I said to myself.
I watched her struggle with the menu. She didn't know what the foods were, because this was a restaurant she hadn't been to in years. Dad tried helping her decide what to order. She didn't understand. She finally came up with something. Dad had to order for her. Then she sat quietly as we all interacted with one another. She couldn't keep up with the conversation. So she sat there looking lost. We tried to include her but she was still lost.
She had forgotten who my daughters fiance' is. She covered well saying, "Good to see you young man". She used to know him well and love him lots.
The doctor gave her one last prescription a few months ago. "I think this will keep her stable, and buy her another 6 months or so". It's been six months. Her time is up with that medication and it showed today.
My mom is my best friend. She has always been my rock. She has rescued me from so many messes I got myself into when I was young. She has been my prayer warrior, my confidant, and my go-to person any time I needed her. She was funny. She taught me how to cook. She taught me about unconditional love. She taught me about God and forgiveness. She stood beside my dad as the pastor's wife. It wasn't an easy roll in life, but she handled it with grace, allowing God to use her any way He could. She never stopped praying for me and never gave up on me even when I was so far away from God. And she rejoiced more than anyone when her wayward daughter came home. She welcomed my husband (now ex) into our family like he was a son. When she first met him she warned him, "You'd better treat my girl good or you'll have to answer to me!" We all laughed about that for years. She grieved so deeply when he left. She adored my two now grown kids, always being the best grandmother. Slipping them money when she saw them, proud of them all of their lives.
But today I saw it more than ever before. She's slipping away. There's nothing anyone can do about it. No more medicines to try. We just have to see what time brings us. My heart aches. I long for one more good laugh with her, or normal conversation. But those days are over. Brokenhearted, I write this for anyone going through the same thing. I miss my momma. I miss who she was. I am grateful that she still knows most of us. But no one, or nothing can ever replace the relationship what I had with her for 56 years. I miss the twinkle in her eye. I feel so alone without her. She's no longer herself. God help me. God help us all.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
Labels and Tolerance
Last week I was faced with a sticky situation. While talking to a friend about Bruce Jenner (Kaitlyn) I simply expressed that television was giving him (or her) too much air time. I also said that they were giving Kim Kardashian too much air time. My sweet friend became very angry and laid into me. Rather than hearing what I said which had nothing to do with my approval or disapproval of Bruce or Kim, she only heard Bruce Jenners name and she was furious. She began to tell me that I was a "right wing conservative" and she was an extreme left wing person. She proceeded to defend Bruce's sex change, then began to say that Southern Baptist were brain washed and only believed what they believe because that's what their parents told them to believe. She said that I believe that Southern Baptist is the ONLY denomination that's is right (which is completely not true) but she believes that any religion could be right about God. She stated that she is not a believer and never will be.
I was stunned by her reaction. I wasn't even discussing my beliefs about transgender people. Only disguising that television gives way too much air time to things that are not important, and not enough air time to things that really matter.
I did speak to her about my beliefs and about Christ. She opened the door for me to share my faith even though she was angry. She refused to listen to me, rather she became more angry.
When the dust settled I began to think about the labels we put on people. My friend told me that I am very intolerant. Little did she realize just how tolerant I am toward people that believe differently from me. I have a very good friend who is an Atheist, family members who are agnostic, a few friends who are gay, a Muslim family that I know, and so on. I don't think "tolerant" is even the right word for it. I disagree with my friends life styles and beliefs. They all know how I believe and what I believe. My heart is fill with love for these people who live their lives in such a different manner than I do. We all get along very well, and love each other. I tell them I love them. They tell me they love me.
My friend that was angry with me is really an acquaintance. If she knew me very well she would be surprised at some of the things I believe is acceptable. You see, "labels" can really get you into trouble. No, I'm not in the extreme right wing camp. I think for myself. My beliefs are based on the Bible, not on man made rules. When you label people, it causes strife and hatred. No one fits perfectly into a label. Whether it's a political label, a social label, or an ethnic label, labels are dangerous. They put people into categories. And categories and stereotypes are not fair to anyone.
As I look back on my conversation with my friend last week, I realize that while she said that I do not have tolerance toward people who are different than me, she was not being intolerant of me. She was full of anger and intolerance toward me, and toward Christians in general. But if you really think about it, at our hearts we are all the same. We were born with a craving for love, and a need for Jesus who is the Lover of our soul. Through circumstances, and what life hands we make a series of choices. What we believe, who we become, how we love or hate, and whether or not we let the horrible things that can happen to us along the way make us better or make us bitter. Of course there are some people that are just pure evil. I am referring to Isis, Manson, child molesters, serial killers, and so on. But even with these people, they were born as an innocent baby and somewhere along the way they made choices about who they would become and what they would do with their life.
My friend and I have far more in common than what we disagree on. We both love, are witty, have children, enjoy life, have friends in common and are good people. Maybe we should all focus more on what we agree on, and less on what we disagree on?
For my dear friends who are Christians, labeling people and hating them because of that label is a very dangerous road to be on. It is arrogant. It is not Christ-like. We do not know their heart. That is for God to judge. How can we reach a world that is lost if we are picking and choosing who we will talk to because they are different than us? In order to be effective for the kingdom, we must love those that are different than us. That does not mean that we agree with their life, their sin or our differences. It only means that we are doing what Christ taught us to do. "Love those who hate you. Pray for those who persecute you." That is our mission here on earth. When you follow what the Bible teaches, there is no room for Christians to hate. We are all human and there will be conflict in life because of our sin nature. But as we seek to live a righteous life, there is no room for stereotypes and labels. We are commanded to love. We are commanded to forgive. That's exactly how we must live our lives, even when we disagree.
I was stunned by her reaction. I wasn't even discussing my beliefs about transgender people. Only disguising that television gives way too much air time to things that are not important, and not enough air time to things that really matter.
I did speak to her about my beliefs and about Christ. She opened the door for me to share my faith even though she was angry. She refused to listen to me, rather she became more angry.
When the dust settled I began to think about the labels we put on people. My friend told me that I am very intolerant. Little did she realize just how tolerant I am toward people that believe differently from me. I have a very good friend who is an Atheist, family members who are agnostic, a few friends who are gay, a Muslim family that I know, and so on. I don't think "tolerant" is even the right word for it. I disagree with my friends life styles and beliefs. They all know how I believe and what I believe. My heart is fill with love for these people who live their lives in such a different manner than I do. We all get along very well, and love each other. I tell them I love them. They tell me they love me.
My friend that was angry with me is really an acquaintance. If she knew me very well she would be surprised at some of the things I believe is acceptable. You see, "labels" can really get you into trouble. No, I'm not in the extreme right wing camp. I think for myself. My beliefs are based on the Bible, not on man made rules. When you label people, it causes strife and hatred. No one fits perfectly into a label. Whether it's a political label, a social label, or an ethnic label, labels are dangerous. They put people into categories. And categories and stereotypes are not fair to anyone.
As I look back on my conversation with my friend last week, I realize that while she said that I do not have tolerance toward people who are different than me, she was not being intolerant of me. She was full of anger and intolerance toward me, and toward Christians in general. But if you really think about it, at our hearts we are all the same. We were born with a craving for love, and a need for Jesus who is the Lover of our soul. Through circumstances, and what life hands we make a series of choices. What we believe, who we become, how we love or hate, and whether or not we let the horrible things that can happen to us along the way make us better or make us bitter. Of course there are some people that are just pure evil. I am referring to Isis, Manson, child molesters, serial killers, and so on. But even with these people, they were born as an innocent baby and somewhere along the way they made choices about who they would become and what they would do with their life.
My friend and I have far more in common than what we disagree on. We both love, are witty, have children, enjoy life, have friends in common and are good people. Maybe we should all focus more on what we agree on, and less on what we disagree on?
For my dear friends who are Christians, labeling people and hating them because of that label is a very dangerous road to be on. It is arrogant. It is not Christ-like. We do not know their heart. That is for God to judge. How can we reach a world that is lost if we are picking and choosing who we will talk to because they are different than us? In order to be effective for the kingdom, we must love those that are different than us. That does not mean that we agree with their life, their sin or our differences. It only means that we are doing what Christ taught us to do. "Love those who hate you. Pray for those who persecute you." That is our mission here on earth. When you follow what the Bible teaches, there is no room for Christians to hate. We are all human and there will be conflict in life because of our sin nature. But as we seek to live a righteous life, there is no room for stereotypes and labels. We are commanded to love. We are commanded to forgive. That's exactly how we must live our lives, even when we disagree.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Steady Heart
I feel led to write about an intimate moment I had with God this morning. I am posting it here rather than on my Never Failing Love blog because it's personal, it's my story, so only those who stumble upon this little unadvertised blog will read it.
If you knew me almost 3 years ago, you would have known a different person. I was married, my kids were in and out of the house constantly, bringing friends with them. I never knew who would be at my dinner table. The food was always good, the conversation even better. We were a tight knit clan, though there was trouble lying underneath. The sound of laughter filled my home on a daily basis. I was full of hopes and dreams for the future. I was busy constantly with my life, my friends. my kids, their friends, family, my job. There was always something going on.
In August of 2012 I had a minor medical procedure which led to major medical problems. After several medical tests, more trips to the dr than I can remember, I finally had major surgery. Three weeks after my surgery, my then husband asked for a divorce. I wasn't healed from my surgery yet, but had to begin a new battle in the foreign land of divorce and law. The dust finally settled from the divorce, and I began a process of remodeling my home. It was a nightmare. I lost money, I was betrayed, and stolen from during that process. Once my home was almost completed, my beloved dog had to be put down. I had a parent diagnosed with Alzheimer's, a child who is wayward, another parent with heart problems. There were several other things that happened during that period that are too personal and to painful to write about. Brokenhearted, pain, tears, rejection, betrayal, stolen from by a trusted friend, and still trying to put my house back together, I found myself in an empty house, alone without my kids who had both moved out, without many of my friends who had moved on with their life, trying to help my daughter plan a wedding, more heartache and tears, the loneliest I had ever felt in my life. I was in despair. I remember asking God to please give me a break. But the heartache kept coming. Unspeakable things happening.
Today, I stood in church and suddenly realized the dust had settled. I smiled as I worshiped today! I felt lighthearted and at total peace. Today I realized very clearly that God had brought me though. The battle was over. I had fought a long fight, allowing God to carry me through each and every twist and turn. My faith was growing, and building. My heart was becoming more and more humble. My love for Him was becoming so strong that it was overwhelming me.
Today I realized this. I would not trade one second of pain, one physical problem, one drs visit, one tear I cried, or one single moment of heartache and despair over the past many months for anything the world has to offer. You see, as I sit here tonight, I know that God was developing in me a steady heart. A heart that will never move away from His steadfast Hand, a heart that is free to love others unconditionally, a grateful heart, a humble heart, and I heart that will trust His loving Hand forever.
As the song says:
"And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run"
Dawn has broken! The clouds have cleared. And together we will run...
My new theme song. Steady Heart by Steffany Gretzinger The video is on Youtube. Go there and listen to the song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp80oWtnJc0
I share my story (minus many details) so that anyone who may read this will know that there is hope. Whatever you are going through, no matter your pain or despair, press into God. He is certainly big enough to handle anything you can lay on him. And He WILL carry you through. Someday the dawn will break and the clouds will clear. When that day comes, you will find that He did an amazing work in your heart.
If you knew me almost 3 years ago, you would have known a different person. I was married, my kids were in and out of the house constantly, bringing friends with them. I never knew who would be at my dinner table. The food was always good, the conversation even better. We were a tight knit clan, though there was trouble lying underneath. The sound of laughter filled my home on a daily basis. I was full of hopes and dreams for the future. I was busy constantly with my life, my friends. my kids, their friends, family, my job. There was always something going on.
In August of 2012 I had a minor medical procedure which led to major medical problems. After several medical tests, more trips to the dr than I can remember, I finally had major surgery. Three weeks after my surgery, my then husband asked for a divorce. I wasn't healed from my surgery yet, but had to begin a new battle in the foreign land of divorce and law. The dust finally settled from the divorce, and I began a process of remodeling my home. It was a nightmare. I lost money, I was betrayed, and stolen from during that process. Once my home was almost completed, my beloved dog had to be put down. I had a parent diagnosed with Alzheimer's, a child who is wayward, another parent with heart problems. There were several other things that happened during that period that are too personal and to painful to write about. Brokenhearted, pain, tears, rejection, betrayal, stolen from by a trusted friend, and still trying to put my house back together, I found myself in an empty house, alone without my kids who had both moved out, without many of my friends who had moved on with their life, trying to help my daughter plan a wedding, more heartache and tears, the loneliest I had ever felt in my life. I was in despair. I remember asking God to please give me a break. But the heartache kept coming. Unspeakable things happening.
Today, I stood in church and suddenly realized the dust had settled. I smiled as I worshiped today! I felt lighthearted and at total peace. Today I realized very clearly that God had brought me though. The battle was over. I had fought a long fight, allowing God to carry me through each and every twist and turn. My faith was growing, and building. My heart was becoming more and more humble. My love for Him was becoming so strong that it was overwhelming me.
Today I realized this. I would not trade one second of pain, one physical problem, one drs visit, one tear I cried, or one single moment of heartache and despair over the past many months for anything the world has to offer. You see, as I sit here tonight, I know that God was developing in me a steady heart. A heart that will never move away from His steadfast Hand, a heart that is free to love others unconditionally, a grateful heart, a humble heart, and I heart that will trust His loving Hand forever.
As the song says:
"And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run"
Dawn has broken! The clouds have cleared. And together we will run...
My new theme song. Steady Heart by Steffany Gretzinger The video is on Youtube. Go there and listen to the song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp80oWtnJc0
I share my story (minus many details) so that anyone who may read this will know that there is hope. Whatever you are going through, no matter your pain or despair, press into God. He is certainly big enough to handle anything you can lay on him. And He WILL carry you through. Someday the dawn will break and the clouds will clear. When that day comes, you will find that He did an amazing work in your heart.
Monday, June 1, 2015
She Reads Truth
I started a new journey today. I am so excited. Life has taken such amazing turns. I love this crazy adventure I am on. Last night my dear friend made me an offer I couldn't refuse. She offered me a Bible Study called She Reads Truth. The kicker is someone else donated it to her for another person to do with her. She chose me! I have been praying all weekend about the next step in my life. When God presents the opportunity, I will leap. I believe this was day one of the first of many opportunities He is going to hand me over the next few months.
I can not explain it. There's just a feeling stirring inside me. I am making some serious changes. Eating differently. Working out more. Unplugging from technology and taking time for just me. Listening. Getting to know myself again, and the heart of others. Breathing in life. Doing a little traveling. I believe along the way, as I make these changes, life will begin to change and I will land exactly where I am supposed to be. I don't know where that is yet. But I do know that my life is going to look different in a year, in two years and so on.
I want to change, to grow, and to step out whenever I am called. To touch lives of any one God allows in my path. Rich, poor, confused, brokenhearted, widowed, divorced, atheist, agnostic, gay, those that have it all, and those who don't. Where ever I can be used, I want to be wide open to God using me. I want to live in total abandon to God's will for my life, fearless and strong as I trust His unseen Hand.
So today my journey begins. It's a journey I have been on for many years, yet at some point I slowed my journey to grieve. Now I want to begin again. It's time to move forward again. And I am ready...
I can not explain it. There's just a feeling stirring inside me. I am making some serious changes. Eating differently. Working out more. Unplugging from technology and taking time for just me. Listening. Getting to know myself again, and the heart of others. Breathing in life. Doing a little traveling. I believe along the way, as I make these changes, life will begin to change and I will land exactly where I am supposed to be. I don't know where that is yet. But I do know that my life is going to look different in a year, in two years and so on.
I want to change, to grow, and to step out whenever I am called. To touch lives of any one God allows in my path. Rich, poor, confused, brokenhearted, widowed, divorced, atheist, agnostic, gay, those that have it all, and those who don't. Where ever I can be used, I want to be wide open to God using me. I want to live in total abandon to God's will for my life, fearless and strong as I trust His unseen Hand.
So today my journey begins. It's a journey I have been on for many years, yet at some point I slowed my journey to grieve. Now I want to begin again. It's time to move forward again. And I am ready...
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