Alzeheimer's

She's slipping away. At first it was called Dementia. She was very forgetful during that time, but still able to interact. In the beginning she could even drive. But as time went on, I secretly knew she was getting worse. It was about this time last year the diagnosis changed. Alzheimer's. Stage 6. The word I prayed I would never have to hear from a doctor, because I knew it was a horrendous illness. I knew the pain that comes along with the illness.

I see it more and more with every visit. Today we went out to celebrate Father's Day. I watched her walking from the car to the restaurant. She was holding on to the arm of her dear friend as they approached the door. The closer she got, the more I saw the emptiness in her eyes. I began to tear up, but stopped myself before they got to the door. "Got to keep it together" I said to myself.

I watched her struggle with the menu. She didn't know what the foods were, because this was a restaurant she hadn't been to in years. Dad tried helping her decide what to order. She didn't understand. She finally came up with something. Dad had to order for her. Then she sat quietly as we all interacted with one another. She couldn't keep up with the conversation. So she sat there looking lost. We tried to include her but she was still lost.

She had forgotten who my daughters fiance' is. She covered well saying, "Good to see you young man". She used to know him well and love him lots.

The doctor gave her one last prescription a few months ago. "I think this will keep her stable, and buy her another 6 months or so". It's been six months. Her time is up with that medication and it showed today.

My mom is my best friend. She has always been my rock. She has rescued me from so many messes I got myself into when I was young. She has been my prayer warrior, my confidant, and my go-to person any time I needed her. She was funny. She taught me how to cook. She taught me about unconditional love. She taught me about God and forgiveness. She stood beside my dad as the pastor's wife. It wasn't an easy roll in life, but she handled it with grace, allowing God to use her any way He could. She never stopped praying for me and never gave up on me even when I was so far away from God. And she rejoiced more than anyone when her wayward daughter came home. She welcomed my husband (now ex) into our family like he was a son. When she first met him she warned him, "You'd better treat my girl good or you'll have to answer to me!" We all laughed about that for years. She grieved so deeply when he left. She adored my two now grown kids, always being the best grandmother. Slipping them money when she saw them, proud of them all of their lives.

But today I saw it more than ever before. She's slipping away. There's nothing anyone can do about it. No more medicines to try. We just have to see what time brings us. My heart aches. I long for one more good laugh with her, or normal conversation. But those days are over. Brokenhearted, I write this for anyone going through the same thing. I miss my momma. I miss who she was. I am grateful that she still knows most of us. But no one, or nothing can ever replace the relationship what I had with her for 56 years.  I miss the twinkle in her eye. I feel so alone without her. She's no longer herself. God help me. God help us all.