Divorce. A word that we once vowed we would never say to one another about our marriage. But on March 28th the words "I want a divorce" came out of his mouth.
Within 4 days, he was gone. I haven't seen him since. We have had 2 months of excruciating negotiations through email. We have sent each other low blows, and accusations. I have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I've watched my family grieve, each in their own way. I've watched them cry, get angry, laugh to keep from crying, and attempt to move forward.
My Dad speaks Scriptures to me every single day. His memory for God's Word amazes me. God has used him over and over again to help my heart to heal. One step forward. Two steps backwards. Just when things seem better, there's another blow thrown my way, or worst of all, thrown at my kids.
Our faith is growing by leaps and bounds. God shows up in some unusual way most every single day. He constantly lavishes me with His love. I find that as I walk so closely with Him, my senses are more keen for Him and what He is doing around me. Most days, I go to sleep with tears in my eyes, overwhelmed by His love and grace.
But the hole in my heart still exists. The pain is still there. You see, when going through a divorce there are consequences that no one tells you about. You lose the other half of your family that you once loved. You lose friends. Other friends don't know what to say, so they distance themselves and say nothing. You lose your security. You lose your identity. You lose the home you've always known. Finances become an issue. You have to learn to live an entirely new life... a single life. You have to learn to do life alone. You have to change your dreams, your hopes, and the way you thought your future would look.
The end of my story has yet to be told. It seems I am only beginning this journey. He filed yesterday. Going against all I believe is right in marriage, I have reluctantly agreed to sign the papers. Though I know this is not what God intends for any marriage, it is what it has turned out to be. More to come soon....
